Each week you will be given an opening and the setup from a joke that has already been written. you will be asked to give the punchline. You will also be given a punchline submitted by me, or by anyone who wants to submit a punchline, this punchline can be anything, this punchline will not come from a written joke. The best opening and set up will be put in the joke section along with that person’s name if they wish it submitted. The best submission will be given half off of their next Skype session, or workshop. Keep in mind everyone has to be better than my submission.
WINNERS FOR THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE CONTEST WILL BE POSTED UPON REQUEST
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline “WHERE ARE THE MARSHMELLOS?”
Give me your punchline for this old Joke
Customer says , waiter ,waiter, this lobster is missing a leg .
Waiter says ,” He was in a fight sir”
The Customer says ,…..now give me your punchline….
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline ” I JUST WANT A SALAD”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this funny joke
Nov. 6 , 2017
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline “THERES NO CRYING IN BASEBALL ”
Exercise (2) give me a punchline for this joke
Mon. Oct. 30, 2017
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline ” i don’t understand your reaction ”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this funny joke
Exercise one give me an opening and shut up for this punchline LOOK ME IN MY FACE
Exercise to give me a punchline for this amusing joke
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and a setup for this punchline” I HAVE HAIRY PALMS”
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this funny joke
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline IF CAN’T DO IT ,I CAN
Exercise(2) Give me your punchline for this funny joke
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline ” I SHOULD’NT HAVE WORN SHORTS”
Exercise (2) Give me a punchline for this funny joke
Exercise (1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline
“THAT WAS BETTER THAN SEX”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this joke;
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’ His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I snorted coke off your breasts ,had sex with you on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, She looks into his eyes and says calmly, …………….Now give me your punchline……………..
give me an opening and set up for this punchline
“WHO THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this old joke
exercise(1) give me an opening and set up for this punchline ” YOU SOVLED THE PROBLEM ”
exercise (2) give me your punchline for this old joke…
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and a setup for this punchline
“I SHOULD HAVE PUT SYRUP ON IT”"
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this joke
Exercise (1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline; …..YOU ‘LL HAVE TO DRAG ME AWAY….
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this funny joke
Give me an opening and set up for this punchline
I DID’NT COME HERE TO LOSE……..
give me your punchline to this funny joke
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and set up for this punchline; “WHAT IS THIS IT LOOKS LIKE WRESTLING MATCH”
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this Old joke…..
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline; ”I couldn’t stop looking at it.”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this joke
July 17th 2017
Give me an opening and I set up for this punchline ;
“You need to get a bucket and a mop”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this very funny joke
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline; “THAT WAS MY LUNCH”
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this humopus joke
Exercise (1) give me an opening and to set up for this punchline ” I don’t care how it looks I didn’t do it.”
Exercise (2) give me a punchline For this marginally funny joke
A man calls his doctor and says doctor for the last week my wife think she’s a rabbit and she wants me to take her to a doctor
The doctor says bring her in for an examination
The man says ………..now give me your punchline
one word punchline contest”FOOTPRINTS”
Exercise(1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline “Why are you arresting Me!”
Exercise(2) give me your punchline to this joke
Exercise(1) give me an opening and set up for this punchline “IM SORRY I QUIT”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this marginally funny joke
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline “THIS IS NOT MY CELLPHONE ”
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this joke;
last word punchline contest; FACELIFT
Exercise(1)Give me an opening and set up for this punchline “I THINK YOU BROKE MY BACK”
Exercise(2) Give me a punchline to this cute , short joke
May 29th 2017
One word Contest ; “Walnut”
Exercise (1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline ; ” THAT’S WHY I TOOK MY PANTS OFF”
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline for this funny joke
May 20 2017
Exercise(1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline; I JUST WANTED A BIRTHDAY CAKE
Exercise (2) give me a punchlines for this joke ;
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.”
She says, ……give me your punchline…
Exercise (1) give me an opening and a setup for this punchline” IT MUST BE SUMMERTIME ”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this joke….
May 11 2017
One word punchline contest ”STUPID”
Exercise (1) give me an opening and set up for this punchline ; YOUR ZIPPER IS OPEN
Exercise (2) Give me your punchline line for joke
May 2nd 2017
EXERCISE (1) give me an opening and set up for this punchline ; This is a junkyard
EXERCISE (2) give me your punchline for this funny joke;
EXERCISE; (1) Give me a opening and set up scenario for this punchline ; DON’T WORRY YOURE COVERED
EXERCISE; (2) give me a punchline for this joke….
APRIL 10 2017
EXERCISE (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline ; DONT LET MY APPERENCE FOOL YOU I’M A PROFESSIONAL
EXERCISE (2) Give me your punchline for this joke
April 4 2017
Exercise ( 1 ) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline;
“YOU FORGOT YOUR BOOTS”
EXERCISE (2) give me a new punchline for humorous joke;
EXERCISE (1) Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline ;
I DON’T WANT IT ANYMORE
EXERCISE (2) give me your punchline for this funny joke
March 21 2017
Exercise (1) Give me an opening , and set up for this punchline ; DON’T LET THE BED BUGS BITE
Exercise (2) Give me a punchline for this amusing joke
Tuesday March 14, 2017
ONE WORD PUNCHLINE ; French-toast
EXERCISE (1) Give me an opening and setup for this punchline ; “IT COST ME AN ARM AND A LEG”
EXERCISE; (2) Give me your punchline for this extremely humorous joke:
March 6 2017
One Word Punchline Contest: EYEBALL
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and setup sceanario for this punchline : I’m laying the groundwork
Exercise (2) Give me a punchline for this joke:
Febuary 28th 2017
ONE WORD CONTEST : EYEBALL
Exercise 1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline:
“I WANT TO GET MY TAXES DONE”
Exercise 2) Give me your punchline for this corny joke ,
Website is the one word punchline this is the last week
Exercise 1) give me an opening and a set up for this punchline “YOU ARE TWO INCHES TO SHORT”
Exercise 2) give me a new punchline for this funny joke
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. “Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?” “Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?” “Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?” “And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?” “Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?” The farmer said ………now give me your punchline ……..
Febuary 15 , 2017
The one word punchline CONTEST is ”WEBSITE ”
Exercise (1):give me an openping and set up for this punchline: I WAS TRYING TO WATCH TV
Exercise (2): give me your punchline for this funny joke ……..
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
The one word punchline contest is “WEBSITE”
Exercise (1) Give me an opening and a for this punchline
“YOU OWE ME MONEY”
Exercise (2) give me a punchline for this joke……..
One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for awhile, he tells his daughter she can’t do it because he’s her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, “Mom… What have you been doing all your life? Dad’s been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can’t marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!”
Her mom replies,……..now give me your punchline………..
Exercise (1) give an opening and set up for this punchline …..practice what you preach……
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this funny joke..
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes”, she purrs, “I am.”
The man replies ….. Now give me your punchline ….
One word punchline is WALK
Exercise (1) give me an opening and set-up for this punchline
“I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT ”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this opening and setup Scenario
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
‘What’s up?’ he says.
‘I’m having a heart attack,’ cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing. his four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your wardrobe and he’s got no clothes on!’
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
He looks at him and angrily shouted…… Now give me your punchline ……. If you heard the joke challenge yourself to come up with a new one
The new one word punchline is “walk”
Exercise (1) give me an opening and set up for this punchline
“I can’t use my thumbs”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this dusty old weak joke
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
she replies. ……now give me your punchline ….if you know the punchline challenge yourself to write a better one…….
The one word punchline contest word is “coffee-cake”
Exercise (1) give me an opening and a setup for this punchline
“We need a negotiator”
Exercise (2) give me a punchline for this opening and set up
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
The girl said…….. Now give your punchline
September 6 2016
The one word punchline this week is coffee-cake
Exercise (1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline
“That’s not funny, that’s stupid”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this joke
A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor “Can I help you?”
The man said, ….what did the man say……
The one word punchline is once again “COMICBOOK”
Exercise (1) give me an opening and setup for this punchline
“I couldn’t find the football”
Exercise (2) give me your punchline for this opening,setup scenario
A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign. As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.
The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.
“You idiot!” he yelled. “Why weren’t you paying attention? Now I’m gonna be late for my appointment. You better believe you’re gonna regret this day!”
The farmer calmly surveyed the scene. “Look, young fella, you’re all worked up. Neither one of us is hurt — it’s just our rides that are a little banged up,” he said. Then he reached into his pocket, pulled out a hip flask and offered it to the lawyer. “Here, why don’t you take a slug of this whiskey. It’ll help you calm down.”
After a moment, the lawyer accepted and took a deep drink. A bit later, he tipped up the flask and took another swig. Then he returned it to the farmer, who closed the flask and put it away.
“Don’t you want any yourself?” asked the lawyer.
And the farmer said …… Now give me your punchline…
August 22 2016
One word punchline contest is still” COMICBOOK ”
Exercise 1. Give me an opening and setup for this punchline
” pack your bags “……..make it make sense….
Exercise 2. Give me a punchline for this opening setup scenario
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they’re both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?” “Yeah, how did you know?” The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.” “Oh, that makes sense”, says the woman. ” You’re an anesthesiologist aren’t you?” “Yeah”, says the man , a bit surprised. “How did you know?” The woman answers,……now give me your punchline..
Everyone who submitted a joke for the one word contest “NIGHTMARE” opening and setup was about a bad relationship, so whenever NIGHTMARE is mentioned you see a person. Sorry I hit a sore spot. No Winners
This week the one word punchline is “COMIC-BOOK”
Exercise (1) give me an opening and a setup for this punchline
“If you strike now you’ll ruin everything”
Exercise (2) give me a punchline for this opening and setup scenario
Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma on the shoulder. Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa in the face Pa said what was that for? Ma ….now give me your punchline……
Tuesday August 9th
THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE FOR THIS WEEK IS Nightmare
Give me an opening and a setup for this punchline
“You need a bigger seat”
Give me your punchline for this opening and setup scenario
One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. “Good morning, sir! I’d like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it’s runny, and the other so overcooked that it’s tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that’s so cold it’s impossible to spread. Finally, I’ll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature.”
The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. “Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!”
the guest replied. ………. Now give me YOUR punchline
The word for the one word contest <is/strong>Nightmare
Exercise (1)Give me an opening and setup for this punchline “this is the only way I can ride it”
Exercise (2) give me a punchline for this opening and setup scenario
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy says,……. Now give me your punchline
Wednesday July 27th
NO WINNER FOR ONE WORD PUNCHLINE “VALLEY”
VALLEY IS THE ONE WORD Punchline FOR ANOTHER WEEK
Exercise(1) give me an opening and a setup for this punchline
“YOU DONT EVEN CALL ME”
Give me a punchline for this opening setup scenario
Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.
Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok??”
In a very weak voice Mike says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”
The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
Mike said, “Oh Thank God!…give me your punchline
Tuesday July 19th
The one word punchline contest word is valley for another week
Exercise 1) give me an opening and a setup for this punchline
“It looks like I didn’t mean it”
Exercise 2) give me your punchline for this opening and setup
A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam eight hundred dollars. He says, ‘I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.’ The Madam says, ‘For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and a gourmet dinner.’ The trucker says,………now give me your punchline….
Wednesday July 13, 2016
LAST WEEK CONTEST WINNER “TONY JAMES”congratulations!
This week the one word punchline is VALLEY
Exercise 1 give me an opening and set up to this punchline
“THE GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE”
Exercise 2 Give me a punchline for this opening and setup scenario. Make it make sense…
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Because ……Now give me your punchline..
Thursday July 7th
Give me an opening and setup for this punchline “somebody call the police ”
Give me a good punchline for this joke…
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging\at him, and he couldn’t move.
“Oh, Lord,” the preacher prayed, “I’m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that’s coming at me. Please, Lord!”
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher’s feet:
The bear said…… Give me your punchline
Wednesday June 29th
One word punchline is “trucks” for another week
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline
“I WANT TO GO HOME”
Give me your punchline for this marginally funny joke;
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, ….. Now give me your punchline
Tuesday, June 21
The one word punchline is “trucks”
Give me an opening and a setup to this punchline ” looks like a rookie ”
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
“I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Now what did the second blonde say…..give me your punchline
Tuesday June 14
The one word punchline is “surrender” once again
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline …
” I’m going on vacation ”
Give me your punchline to this funny dumb blonde joke…
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”
The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”
“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”
The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do. The blonde replies……….now give me your punchline
Thursday June 9th
Winner of last weeks one word contest was Tony James LA Calif.
That one word punchline this week is “Surrender”
Give me an opening and set up to this Punchline
“NOW THATS SMOOTH JAZZ”
Give me a new punchline for this weak joke,you can make it a good joke with your punchline …..
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, ‘Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.’
The customer replies,…….. now give me your punchline……
Tuesday May 31 2016
Give me an opening and set up for this punchline
“You’re supposed to shoot the clown”
Give me your punchline for this joke;
The queen of England was visiting one of America’s top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
‘Oh my god!’, said the Queen, ‘That’s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???’
\The doctor leading the tour explains, ‘I’m sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.’
‘Oh, I am sorry’ said the Queen.
The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
‘Oh my God!’ said the Queen, ‘What’s happening in there?’
The Doctor replied,
Wednesday May 18
The one word punchline is “bricklayer”
Give me an opening and set up to this punchline
….Don’t play with matches…..
Give me the punchline to this dirty tasteless joke …
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash. The pilot says “Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let’s give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them”
The lawyer says “Fuck the Boy Scouts!”
The priest says….. Give me your punchline …..
Wednesday May 11
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline:
“NEXT TIME SAY PEPSI”
Give me a punchline for this joke
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table.
He said “I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped “I found it …. Now give me the punchline ….
Wednesday May 4
Give me an opening and setup to this punchline;
Just wear a neck brace.
Give me a punchline to this joke;
Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None.” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”
Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”
“No,” said Little Johnny, …….now give me a punchline
Tue. April 26
Give me an opening and a set-up for this punchline …… “Don’t worry I’ll eat it”….
Give me your punchline to this funny joke…
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
he replies…….. Now give me your punchline …….
Mon. April 18th
Give me an opening and set up for this punchline
“That’s not basketball”
Give me a punchline for this funny joke;
An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?”
He replied, “To the kitchen.”
She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
Then his wife asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”
“No, I can remember that.”
“Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you’ll forget that,” his wife said.
“I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
She replied, “Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down.”
With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down, I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said, …..what did she say…
Tue April 12th
No winner for Paste
One word contest punchline is “Facebook”
Give me an opening and a set up to this punchline
” you should have been home”
Give me a punchline to this short joke…..
a wife asked her husband, “what do you like best about me , my pretty face or my sexy body.H e looked her up and down from head to toe and said ….. Now give me your punchline
Wednesday April 6
One word punchline is “paste”
Write an opening and a set up for this punchline;
“THATS WHY HE WORE A TURTLE NECK”
Write a punchline for this funny joke;
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, And I enjoyed your gift, she concluded by saying…..now give me the punchline…….
Wednesday March 30th
One word punchline: PASTE
Punchline: That dog doesn’t bark …write an opening and a set up for that punchline
Write a punchline for this funny joke
A first grade Boy and girl in class asked the teacher:
“Can kids of our age have kids?”
Teacher replied ” NO Never!!”
The boy turned to the girl and said………give me your punchline
Tuesday March 21st
LOVE IS AGAIN THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE
PLEASE SEND YOUR CONTEST ENTRY TO MY EMAIL TITLED CONTEST
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline .
“It’s lonely at the top”
Give me your punchline to this funny joke
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. The pharmacist asks “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”
The lady says “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you any for that reason” says the pharmacist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
He looks at the photo and says …..now give me your punchline
Tue March 15th
There was no winner for the one word punchline so again this week the one word punchline is LOVE please email me your submissions to me titled CONTEST
Give me an OPNENING and setup for this punchline ……
…I ordered cupcakes…
Give me a new punchline for this old joke…
A 60 year old man goes to the doctor.
After numerous tests the doctor said you are in fine health for a man your age
The man said do you think I will live to be 80 years old ?
The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”
“Oh no,” He replied. “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
He said “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?”
“No, I don’t,” He said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?”
“No,” He said. “I’ve never done any of those things.”
The doctor looked at him and said, …….now give me the punchline….
Wednesday March 9th
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline ……THIS DONT TASTE LIKE BACON……..
Give me a punchline for this lengthy joke…..
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE ……
THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE IS BASKETBALL…
Wed Feb 24th
The one word punchline this week is….LOVE….
Write an opening and a set up for this punchline……that’s not an apple ….
Give me a punchline for this joke….
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. “Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I’m a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, “Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second,and says ….now give me your punchline …..
Wednesday Feb. 17th
The one word punchline this week is TREE one last week. competition is close
GIVE ME AN OPNENING AND SET UP FOR THIS punchline
SO,SHE SAT IN THE BATHROOM
Give me a punchline for this joke;
A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?”
The boy replies, …….now give me the punchline …
Tue. February 9th one word punchline is TREE
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline……………it’s supposed to be a house…..
Give me a punchline for this joke..
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, “Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?”
“But Dad, it wasn’t my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That’s when she hit me!”
“Johnny,” the father said. “You don’t do those kind of things to women.”
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, I thought we had a talk!”
“But Dad,” Johnny said, “It wasn’t my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out…..now give me the punchline……..
Wednesday February 3rd
For the next few weeks you be given a punchline,you must put an opening and a set up for this Punchline ” IT ALMOST HIT ME IN THE FACE ” this is the last thing you say now give me an opening and a set up.
Now give me a punchline for this joke
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says ‘But sir, it’s just a sperm bank!’, ‘I don’t care, open it now!’ he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says ‘Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!’, she looks at him ‘BUT, they’re sperm samples???’ , ‘DO IT!’ So the nurse sucks it back. ‘That one there, drink that one as well.’, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says …………now give me the punchline……
Wednesday January 27
ONE WORD PUNCHLINE IS GOLFBALL
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: ‘Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian’
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, ‘Son! What happened last night?’
‘Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??’
His son replies, ‘Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you….. What did he do …..give me your punchline
Wednesday Jan 14
THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE IS “GOLFBALL”
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said “You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick.
“Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You’re going to have to think of another wish.”
The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing’, and know how to make them truly happy.”
The genie paused for a while and said,….. NOW GIVE ME THE PUNCHLINE …..
Wednesday January 6
HAPPY NEWYEAR! I will be posting the winner of last weeks one word punchline pancakes THE WINNER IS TONY JAMES
This weeks one word punchline is “GOLFBALL”
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
She says Why? And he says …..now give me the punchline
Tuesday December 22
The one word punchline is “pancakes” for another week.
This a dumb blonde joke…..
A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde “Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?”
The blonde says….. Now give me the the punchline
Wednesday December 16th
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says “maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation ….Now give me your punchline
THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE IS … PANCAKES…
Tuesday December 8th
One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, he was butt naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, “Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?” “Of course, Son, we’re a family.” So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. Mickey cries out….now give me your punchline…….
Wednesday Dec. 2
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex,
Winner of the one word punchline of laughter.was Susan Harris
Tue November 24th
“Two old guys were chatting in the park. “You know, my wife and I were happy for 40 years,” said one guy. “What happened?” asked the other guy said ……now give me your punchline ..
Wednesday November 18th
A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
Then the German doctor bragged, “That”s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, ……give me the punchline …….
Wednesday November 4th
Last weeks winner of the one word punchline was TONY JAMES. Make sure you email your entries and title it CONTEST
Monday November 9th
The one word punchline is laughter extended another week , all entries were unacceptable give me something good .
Give me your punchline for this hilarious joke …
A little boy gets on a city bus and sits behind the bus driver and yells out ” if my dad was a bull and my mom was a cow I’d be a little bull ” the bus driver says ” stop screaming little boy ” the boy ignores him and yells out ” if my Dad was an elephant and my Mom was an elephant I’d be a little elephant.after the boy screams out a few more animals , finally
The bus driver turns around and said what if your Daddy was a drunk and your Momma was a prostitute ” the boy said ……..NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
Tue. November 3rd
Here’s this weeks exercise
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another,……..NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
Wednesday Oct. 28th
This weeks one word punchline will remain HISTORY for another week I had to cancel some sessions this week so the one word punchline will remain HISTORY
GIVE ME A PUNCHLINE FOR THIS JOKE
“Daddy, where did I come from?” seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” the mom asks. The daughter says …..NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE…
Tuesday October 20th
LAST WINNER OF THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE BUBBLEGUM IS “SUSAN HARRIS” HER JOKE WILL BE POSTED ON THE JOKES PAGE
This weeks one word punchline is; HISTORY
GIVE ME A PUNCHLINE FOR THIS JOKE;
A woman walks into a drugstore and ask the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.
“Yes we do,”he says. “Would you like to buy some?”
She says ……..NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
Another dumb blonde joke
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time.
After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
“What on earth do you mean???”
“Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game….Give me your punchline
Wednesday October 7th
One word punchline; BACKWOODS
A young man in a drug store asks the pharmacist for condoms. The pharmacist explained the product and asked, “They come in packets of three, six and twelve. How many you think you would need?”
“Well” explains the young man, “I have known this wonderful girl for seven months now. Tonight I am meeting her parents for the first time, and then we are off to an all-night party. So I think tonight is the night I will get in her. And, once she gets it, I know she will want more. Better give me a dozen!” Having made his purchase, the fellow drives home, dresses for dinner and arrives at his girlfriend’s house.
At dinner, he is asked to offer the blessing. He prays, and prays, and prays, and prays and not taking his head up. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and says; “You never told me you were so religious!”
He said to her ……Now give me your punchline….
Tuesday September 29th
I don’t usually do back to back dumb blonde jokes but I’ve been running across some funny ones
A blonde, on the verge of bankruptcy, sees God as her only hope. She prays to God for help – “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and I need some money. I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lottery.”
Lotto night comes and goes, and somebody else wins it.
The desperate blonde prays again – “God, please let me win the Lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and now, I’m going to lose my car as well.”
This time too, she was unlucky, and someone else won the Lottery.
She again prayed – “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. I have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the Lottery just this one time so I can save the life of my kids.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and there emerged God.
God said to amazed blonde,………… now you give me your punchline
Thursday sept. 24th
To get into heaven you have to walk up 100 stairs but on each stair God asks you a joke and if you laugh you go to hell.
So the brunette gets to the 56th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell.
The red-head gets to the 97th stair and bursts out laughing and gets sent to hell.
Then the blonde gets into heaven and bursts out laughing. God asked her “Why are you laughing?” the blonde replied ….. Now give me your punchline
Last word punchline…….FATHEAD
Thursday September 10th
Why should golfers carry an extra pair of pants because…..now you give me the punchline
Wednesday September 2
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. The waiter said I don’t have brail menue . The blind man said…..now give me your punchline.
A dumb blond joke..
A blonde and a redhead were watching the 6:00 news when a story came up about a man who was threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead that the man wouldn’t jump off the bridge and the readhead accepted.
Well, sure enough, the man jumped and so the blonde gave the redhead the 50 bucks. “I can’t take this, you’re my best friend.”
The blonde looked at her, “Just take it.”
“Well, I saw this on the 5;00 news, so I knew he was gonna jump off.”
The blond said………NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
THE ONE WORD PUNCHLINE IS BUBBLE-GUM
Tuesday Aug 18
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’ The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The ‘gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. ‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up at the end of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
She said,…….Now give me your punchline
One word punchline…….CHEWING GUM
Tuesday Aug. 11
One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look.
An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes “What the hell is she doing?”
An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing. The blonde says,……NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE….
Wed. Aug. 5th
After reading the complicated instructions at the new automatic Bank teller, the confused customer walked over to a bank officer, and said “excuse me but I was wondering if you could help me out.” The bank officer smiled and said ……NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE …..
Also I am bringing back the one word punchline.
“COOKIE DOUGH” give me an opening and a setup , and your punchline must end with the word “COOKIE DOUGH”
Tue July 28th
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters. “Hello?”
“Hello, is this FBI?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.”
“This will be noted.”
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house. “Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yeah they did.”
And his neighbor says……..now you come up with a punchline , This one is challenging . I heard this joke told with a couple of punchlines but although they were told a little bit different they both go in the same direction.
Wife asked his husband how many women he had slept with.
Husband proudly replies, …..now give me your punchline ,
Wed. July 15
There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ”Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!” Herman says, ….NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE……..
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, now give me your punchline…….
Wed. July 1
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.’ The doctor continued, ‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.’ On the way home, the husband asked his wife. ‘What did the doctor say?’ To which his wife responded, ‘He said…….NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
Tue June 23rd
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”
Abe says….NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
Tue June 16th
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a 1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
He looks at the Father and says “However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do”?
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, gets up walks over to the man,places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and says???……….now give me your punchline
Tue June 9th 2015
A little boy asked his mother, does Jesus use our bathroom. The mother reply sweetly,no why do you ask. He said because every morning…….now you give me your punchline
Wednesday June 3
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer’s table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, Now give me your punchline……
Wed. May 27th
A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84-year-old father. While there he notices the nurse give his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?” The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.” The man asks, “And the Viagra?” ……….Now give me your punchline
Wed. May 20th
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, “I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!”
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom liked it!”
Finally the guy says……….now give me your punchline
Tue. May 12th
Give me the punchline for this joke;
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’ His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?’ She looks into his eyes and says calmly,……now you give me the punchline
Wed. May 6th
Give me your punchline for this dark joke…
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.
She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”
She asks, “What’s that?”
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,…..NOW GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE
Tue. April 28th
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?” she asked.
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”
The man says……. Now give me your punchline
Wed April 22nd
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.
The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, ………….tell me what you think he said, my your conclusion
Tue. April 14th
Give me your punchline to this joke…
Little Johnnie sees his Daddy’s car passing the play-ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a ‘Passionate Embrace’.
Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and…. What did Johnnie say?
Tuesday April 7th 2015
Give me your punchline for this amusing joke;
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. ‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ said the desk sergeant. ‘No, no, no!’ insisted the man. I’ve got to talk to him now.the desk sergeant said “what could be so important” the man said ……give me your punchline.
Give me a punchline for this joke..
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, Sir.”
The President replies: “These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.”
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: …..GIVE ME YOUR PUNCHLINE……
Monday March 23
Give me the punchline for this lengthy joke..
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’ card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
The driver said…. Give me the punchline
Wednesday March 4th
Give me a punchline for this joke….
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish rectory. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and the priest suspected that was the time the cock fights occurred in the village.
So he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood up.
“No, No,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”
All the women stood up. “No, No,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”
Half the women stood up. “No, No,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?” …….you give me the punchline
Wednesday February 25
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: ….. You give me the punchline
Wednesday February 18th
GIVE ME AN OPENING AND SETUP FOR THIS PUNCHLINE
Pupil says to teacher …Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
Tuesday February 8th
Give me a punchline for this joke…
Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,’ a patient told his urologist on the phone. ‘The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.’
‘Ok, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,’ the medic soothed. ‘Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.’
‘But, Doc. I’ve been screwing the maid too and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.’
‘Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up.’ Replied the doctor. ‘Well,’ the man admitted, ‘ I think my wife has it too.’
THE DOCTOR SAYS……Now give me a punchline
Tuesday Feb. 3
One word punchline is PEANUTBUTTER
Write a punchline for this joke….
A student comes to a young professor’s office, She glances down the hall, closes his door,walks over to him and kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
His voice softens. “Anything??”
His voice turns to a whisper.and says…. Now give me the punchline
Tuesday January 27
Give me an opening and set-up for this punchline
AND THE BLIND MAN SAID” NO THANKS, IM JUST LOOKING ”
The one word punchline; breadpudding
Tuesday January 20th
Give me an opening and set up for this punchline….
AND THE HUSBAND SAYS” YOU NEED TO IRON IT ”
The one word punchline is………. potato-wedge.
Tuesday January 13th
One word punchline “Rosegarden”
I need an opening and set up for this punchline;
“DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHOSE CELPHONE THIS IS?”
Tue. January 6
One word punchline is “FATHEAD”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, ‘Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.’ The doctor continued, ‘Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.’ On the way home, the husband asked his wife. ‘What did the doctor say?’ To which his wife responded,……now you give me the punchline
Tue Dec 16th
Give me a punchline for this opening and set-up A dumb blond joke
One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it. Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look.
An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes “What the hell is she doing?”
An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing…….. Now you give me the punchline
Give me an opening and set-up for this punchline…
The man replied, ‘How did you know my name was Katz?’
Wed. Dec 31st
That wife of mine is a liar.’ said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
‘How do you know?’ the friend asked.
‘She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.’
‘So?’ the friend replied.
He said…. Now give me the punchline
I need an opening and a set up for this punchline;
When asked “what are you going to do with the money” The reply was “the first thing we’re gonna do is fix those damn brakes
Tue Dec 3rd
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47!”
This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.”
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies,… Now you give me the punchline
MON November 17th
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot with a sign on the cage that said $50.00. ‘Why so little?’ she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, ‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’
The woman thought about it, but decided, she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ‘New house, new madam.’ The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought ‘That’s really not so bad.’
When her two teenage daughters returned from school that afternoon, the bird saw them and said, ‘New house, new madam, new hoes.’ The girls and the woman laughed about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,….. Now you give me the punchline.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh!, Killed any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 females”, he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”
He responded, ….now give me the punchline
Should you eat fried chicken with your fingers?……..your answer is the punchline
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. “Screw me or climb the ladder to success,” she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. “Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success,” she said. “Well,” thought the man, “might as well carry on.”
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. “Screw me now or climb the ladder to success,” she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. “Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success,” she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
“Who are you?” the man asked.
The man said……..now give me the punchline.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:…… Now you give me the punchline
a man walks into a doctors office with a cucumber in his ear a carrot in his nose and a tomato in his eye . He says Doc I’m not feeling well. whats wrong with me. the Doctor says “….. Now you give me the punchline.
A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, “Happy Butt.” The teacher says, “I don’t think that’s your name. You need to go to the principal’s office and get this straightened out.” The girl goes to the principal’s office and he asks, “What’s your name?” The little girl says, “Happy Butt.” The principal calls the girl’s mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, “Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.” The girl exclaims…….now you give me the punchline
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see”. Watson: “I see millions and millions of stars”. Holmes: “And what does that tell you?” Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes: and Sherlock Holmes says……. Now you give me the punchline
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper.
“Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away.”
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.
Tim replies,……..now you give me the punchline
Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane,” said the judge. Mickey replied, ……..now you give me the punchline.
A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can’t help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts.” “That’s O.K.,” she says. “They would have just sat there anyway………now give me the punchline.
The very bad accident Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.” “Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey.and he said ……..now give me the punchline
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says. “Oh … well I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
The boy says, “That won’t work.”
His mom says, “Why?”
The boy replies…….now give me the punchline
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?” ……now you give me the punchline.
Tue. Oct. 7th
This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
Yep,” the mutt replies.
“So, what’s your story?”
The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says “Ten dollars.”
The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”
The owner replies, “….now you give me the punchline
One word punchline ” PANTYHOSE ”
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, “I’m a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob).”
The young jogger says, “Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?”
The old man says, …. Now u give me the punchline…….
Where is this place?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
“My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”
The girl at the counter says…….Now you give me the punchline
Wed. Sept. 17th
Give me the opening and set-up for this punchline …..”Good choice her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway”
wed, sept 1oth
a man walked into a doctors office with a cuccumber in his ear,a carrot in his nose,and a tomatoe in his eye he says Doc I don’t fell good whats wrong with me the Doctor says……..you give me the punchline.
one word puncline rat-trap
Fri. Sept. 5th
For the workshop
Give me an opening and set-up for this punchline….. Those sheep are liars.
Tue. Sept 2nd
Give me the opening set-up for this punchline. “If it wasn’t for the milkman holding her down she would have defiantly gone to heaven.”
The one word punchline is “pimple”
Give me an opening and a set up for this punchline………….WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT YOURE NEXT.
The one word punchline is pickled-pigfeet
trying to figure out what to wear at a costume party to a costume party all of a sudden Jeff got an idea . he shows up at the door with no shirt no shoes no socks, when the host answers the door he says”what are you supposed to be. Jeff said …. you give me the punchline.
The one word punchline is ice-scoop
Monday, August 11
There was no winner for last week’s one-word punchline, which was batter-dipped
the one-word punchline for this week is shoehorn
a man walks into a drugstore, and says to the clerk, do you have any sentimental love cards.
The clerk says, how about this card, it says to the only girl I ever loved. The man says……… You give me the punch line
This is a blonde joke.
The punchline is “that’s a microwave”
The one word punchline is batter-dipped
Wed. July 30
The punchline is;
We use it on the door knob
One word punchline;
Sat July 26th
For the workshop; the punchline is ” the guy was your doctor”
July 21st 2014
Give me the opening and set up for this punchline…… “How much for all night.”
The one word punchline for this week is ” bellybutton”
Mon. July 14th. This weeks one word punchline is belly button. Best opening and set-up wins!
Here’s a great g rated joke
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender stops him and says………. You give me the punchline
Mon. June 7th 2014
The punchline is do you want me to slow down or do you want me to stop.
Mon. June 30th we used this for the workshop. We will also use it for Skype students this week
give me an opening and set up for this punchline ……. And the robot smacks the mother.
Mon. June 23
Give me the punch line. For this opening and set up. I am very anxious to get everyone’s opinion on this joke.
A man and a woman have been married for 30 years, in those 30 years they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. One day she decided to reach over and flipped the light switch on one and saw that he was using a dildo”. I knew it you ass hole, explain the dildo.” And he said……. Now give me the punch line
Tue. June 17
Give me the punch line for this opening and set up.
A 70-year-old man, went to his doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man jar and said take this home and bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day the 70-year-old man comes to the doctor’s office and hands him an empty sample jar. The Dr. looks at it, and says, what happened? Well Dr. he said, first I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, nothing. Then I asked my wife to try she tried with both hands, and her mouth, nothing. Then we asked our next-door neighbor to try. She also tried with both hands and her mouth, nothing! The doctors said, you asked your next-door neighbor to try?! And he said…… Now you give me the punch line.
Sat. June 14
A woman stepped out of the bathtub, when the doorbell rang.she yelled out who is it. He yells back “blind man ” felling sorry for the man she went right to her purse to give him a donation she didn’t bother to put anything on and just opened the door totally naked .the man paused for a second and said ………give me the punchline
Monday june 9th 2014
Give the punchline to this joke,
a man is getting into the shower, as his wife is getting out of the shower. The doorbell rings, the woman grabs a towel and runs downstairs, and opens the door. It was her next door neighbor Bob. Bob takes looked one look at her and says,” I will give you $800 if you drop that towel right now”. She thinks about it for a second and drops the towel. Bob looks at her naked body for about a minute, and promptly gives her $800. The husband walks downstairs out of the shower and says who was at the door. The wife says it was our next-door neighbor Bob.
The husband says…………… now you give me the punch line.
MONDAY JUNE 2nd
give the punchline for this opening and set-up;
in chemistry class the teacher asked me what are nitrates, by me not doing my homework I said ….. give me the punchline
Results for writing exercises will be on the jokes page
This is taken from a very weak joke let’s see if you can come up with a better opening and set up for this punchline….which is ” doesn’t she ever get tired ”
Tue May 20th
skype students your exercise is a punchline which is ” you keep my secret I’ll keep yours” now you give me a set-up and a punchline. feel free to do the exercises below
Sat. May 17 2014
for the workshop a punchline, you give me the opening and set-up for this punchline ” you let in to much light.”
Tue. May 13 2014
I am looking forward to this weeks workshop,last week i was taping my comedy special,it was incredible I want to thank everyone who attended
This weeks opening and set up ; a woman walks into a pet store and says to the clerk ” I would like to buy some bird seed , the clerk says ”for what kind of bird. “The woman says…………… you give me the punch line.
the punchline from last week ” the pilot says we are going to get help ”
sorry to all skype students this week . I will start scheduling skype sessions Tue. April 29 The punch line for the accountant joke is ” it’s looking up”
The next punch line exercise is actually a horrible joke. But it is a massive challenge. I don’t think there is any way to save this joke. But do your best it’s a great exercise.
An airplane is cruising at 40,000 feet suddenly the plane shuttered and Mr. Benson looked out of the window and said good Lord one of the engines you just blew up. Other passengers left this seats, and came running over to him suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast from the other side of the plane where another engine exploded. The passengers were in a mad panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order, just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot came in from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers, who sat back down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seat and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to his back. Mr. Benson spoke up immediately by saying to the pilot those look like parachutes the pilot said, yes you are correct. Mr. Benson said, I thought you said there was nothing to worry about. And the pilot said….. You give me the punch line
please write a punchline for a horrible joke . The opening and set up are as follows :
Tuesday April 15
Most of my students have been introduced to the advanced level of writing which gives you a technique of writing material without having any idea of what to write about. Hope to see you soon! Skype students your writing exercise is below, workshop students are welcome to participate and bring your results to the workshop . Fri I will put a new joke exercise up.
Sunday April 13 This week was another great workshop. For those of you who missed the workshop I introduced advanced techniques in comedy writing.
For my Skype students this week’s exercise will give you an opening and is set up and you give me the punch line.
There was an accountant who told his client, I have some good news and some bad news. Nervously the client said, what’s the bad news.
The accountant said, your business is in bad shape it’s lying flat on its back.
The client said, what’s the good news?
The accountant said…. Now you give me the punch line.
This is the joke of the week. If you would like to submit a joke of the week please email me at email@example.com
worried because they hadn’t heard anything four days from the widow and the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silvers said to her son, Timmy would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is.
After checking on her, her son said, she’s fine, except she is very upset with you.
Mrs. Silvers said, why is she upset at me.
Her son said, Mrs. Kirkland, told me to tell you, it’s none of your business how old she is.