JOKES PAGE

These are the complete jokes from the activities page writing exercise,and more

I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A sales man came out and said: ‘Come on in. They’re bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!’
Later I learned he was talking about the payments.

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A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: “Ah, you’re lovely, aren’t you?” she says to the first dog. “What’s your name?”

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, “My name’s Huey, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. “And what’s your name then?”

 

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, “My name’s Lewy, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”

 

And so she moves on to the last dog. “Let me guess,” she says. “your name’s Dewy, and you’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”

“No,” replies the last dog. “My name’s Puddles, and I’ve had an awful day.”

 

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?” The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”

Confused, the bartender says no.

”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

 

A rancher was giving interviews for a new ranch hand

The rancher asked how is your health , and do you have accidents often

The ranch hand said I don’t have accidents

The Rancher said but you are walking with crutches

the ranch hand said …i fell down a flight of stairs it was no accident when I gave her devorce papers , my ex wife pushed me

 

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with.
A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.
A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
“But I think I know where I’m going wrong,” said the idiot, “I think I’m planting them too deep.”
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A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
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Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?
she said looking lovingly into her husband’s eyes.
“I don’t know, but I promise I’ll never do it again.”
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies. “He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies. “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”

 

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Eugene Sills went to see his attorney to make a will.  When it was all done, he told the lawyer that he wanted only one more thing added ….he wanted to be buried at sea.
“But why?” the lawyer asked.
“That’s so my wife can be taken care of if she goes ahead with her threat to dance on my grave.”

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A man takes his wife to the cattle show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one.”
The annoyed man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow?!”
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A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies. “He’s my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
“That’s remarkable” the husband replies. “I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. “Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce”, the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, “That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.” The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?
The man smiled. “Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?”

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A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go a fishin’?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, “Did you ever catch ‘em all?”

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This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, “What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.”
The man said, “But officer this is my wife.”
The officer said, “Oh, I didn’t know she was your wife.”
The man said, “Neither did I ’till you shined your light on her.”
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It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

“What are my choices?” he asked.

She replied, “Yes or No.”

 

One day a red head, a burgandy, and a blonde went for a hike. When they were already to start hiking the burgandy said “Did you gals bring anything because I brought food incase we get hungry?” Then the red head said “I brought water in case we get thristy!” Then the blonde said ” Well I brought a door from a car. If we get hot we can roll down the windows!”

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say, ‘Martha, I’d like to ride in that there aeroplane.’

And every year Martha would say, ‘I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.’

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, ‘Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.

Martha replied ‘Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10

The pilot overheard them and said ‘Folks. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s $10.�

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns’ rolls and dives’ but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, ‘By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.’

Stumpy replied, ‘Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.’

;

One day a policeman, a ninja, and a terrorist were on a plane. The policeman threw his gun out the window for good luck. The nija threw his sword out the window for good luck. The terrorist threw a bomb out the window for good luck.

Later, the policeman saw two little girls crying. He walked over to them and said, why are you crying. One girl replied, “Some idiot threw his gun out the window and it shot our father.”

The ninja saw two boys crying. He a

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